Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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