remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
