Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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