i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
