Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
