someone owes me an orgasm
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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