Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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