Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I could fuck to npr.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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