Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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