I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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