I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize