Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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