this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
So here I am, sexting at work.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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