I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
