What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
