Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
