I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
