help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
