I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Randomize
