I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
