In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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