How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
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