Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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