I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
