who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
