I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I smell like Dick and happiness
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize