I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
