Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
