good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize