Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
