Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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