Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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