just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
