Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
