i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Randomize
