I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
