you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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