So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize