I haven't been this sober since birth.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Let's paint friendship bongs
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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