Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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