How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
