we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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