Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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