The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
