No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
