Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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