I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
