After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
