The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
