Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
