ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
