The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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