So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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