I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
