I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
