so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
