I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
