can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
