I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
