how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
