so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I love having hate sex.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize