I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
