There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize