someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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