This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
so let's talk penis.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
